I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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