some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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