I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
