My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
