just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
