You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
