Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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