I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
