why do cheetos always look like penises
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's always time for handjobs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
