living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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