After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
