I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize