He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
