can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
