u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
