Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
