a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
God, I missed his penis.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
