I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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