I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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