today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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