Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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