He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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