I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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