My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
