every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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