I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
