Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You left your phone here
Wait...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
