your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
