This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
