so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
