I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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