Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
