Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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