someone owes me an orgasm
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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