This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
