1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize