so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
