There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
