So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize