My friends, they love my intelligence
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
