I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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