so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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