I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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