WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
