At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
