Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
