True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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