I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
