I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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