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Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
