it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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