I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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