What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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