I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
