why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
