I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
