You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
