and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
