Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
