apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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