Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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