my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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